i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
