wrigley field is MILF paradise
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
