remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
