Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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