She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Woke up backwards on a recliner
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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