and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Randomize
