Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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