I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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