clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I will be naked everywhere
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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