mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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