4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
