they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
