while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
