I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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