So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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