apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
