Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Randomize
