i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
