Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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