After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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