Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
