today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
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