How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
