My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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