Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
