my sisters under your porch take her home
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
