What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
