I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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