Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
