Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
