dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
