I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
