Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
