Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
