I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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