How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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