you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
