I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
