y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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