closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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