new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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