im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
