Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
