i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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