theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
