We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
