i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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