HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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