too bad you live with your parents still
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
