I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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