did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
When are your genitals available?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
